Accepting Cherry Read online

  Oh boy. It’s starting up again. Mama said a bad word, and she repeated it over and over. That’s never good. If Mama is so mad that she has a potty mouth, then I know Mama is really mad. I feel bad for Mama. She’s finally stopped walking back and forth and is now just standing there with her shoulders slumped forward.

  “Me having ambitions and goals have nothing to do with it,” Daddy says calmly. “I know you know that and I know you’re scared, but you heard the doctors. By the time I was showing any symptoms it was already at stage four. They wouldn’t have been able to help me anyway,” Daddy says while wrapping his arms around Mama to hug her. “I don’t want to leave you, any of you, and especially in a financial lurch. I never asked for this. Do you really think I want this? You’re my soul, the other half of me. Please, let’s not make my final days full of anger. I want you to remember the good, the best. I don’t want us to part with any regrets.” Daddy sounds like he’s begging.

  I can hear Mama crying and I wonder if this is the calm before the storm. I peek into the room to get a better look. They aren’t hugging anymore. Daddy is pacing back and forth, and every few seconds he pulls on his hair till it’s standing on end, sticking up in every direction.

  “I don’t know what else to say or do, and really, nothing I do say or do has any impact on you. You’re just angry for the sake of being angry,” he says. “This situation sucks no matter how you look at it, but I’m doing my best.” I look at Mama. Her face looks really pinched and angry, and I know that she’s about to burst.

  “Your best? Do you not understand what I’m getting at?” Mama is screaming now, her face beet red. My heart is hammering in my chest. I’m afraid, but of what I’m not sure.

  “We’re going to lose everything. Everything! The bank is going to foreclose on the house and both cars, and then I’ll be left with nothing. Even you’ll be gone. You promised me forever. I was counting on till the day that I die.” Mama keeps jamming her finger in Daddy’s face and I can see that spit is flying out of her mouth, even from where I’m standing. I can see that Daddy is trying to stay calm, but even he can’t keep taking her anger without responding.

  “You act like I’m doing this on purpose, that I planned this whole thing just to fuck you over. Everything I do is for you or Cherry, and now you’re acting utterly ungrateful and selfish. I’m done. I need some space, some time to think.” Daddy storms out of the room and Mama watches him with her mouth wide open. What did Mama mean when she said that Daddy would be gone? I don’t want him to go anywhere. I need him here with me. Mama scares me when she talks like that, and I can’t believe Daddy used such a bad word. We have a swear jar because Daddy likes the F word too much, but I don’t think I’ll tell him he owes the jar money, because then he’ll know I was listening to an adult conversation when I shouldn’t have been. I can’t stop crying. I don’t want to lose the house and the cars, and I especially don’t want to lose my daddy.

  Mama goes to sit at the kitchen table and lays her head down. I can hear her crying and mumbling to herself. I’m about to go in and give her a hug, thinking maybe it will make her feel better, when Grams comes rushing in and throws her arms around Mama, hugging her from behind.

  “Mom, I wish I had made him see a physician sooner. As a nurse I should have been more aware of the signs. I guess my anger isn’t just directed at him, but at myself too. We wouldn’t be in this boat.” I’m not sure what boat Mama is talking about. Grownups are so confusing.

  “Cindy, you know we can’t live our lives with the mentality of should’ve, could’ve, and would’ve. It just isn’t practical, and you of all people are the most practical of us all.”

  “Mom, I just don’t know how we’re going to manage all of this. The little bit of insurance we have has run out, and I just can’t afford to carry this house on my own.”

  Grams replies, “I know dear, but somehow or another it will all work itself out. Just have faith.”

  Mama hasn’t stopped crying. “I’m trying to get extra shifts at work, Mom, but I just can’t seem to get enough to pay the bills. Bill collectors are calling nonstop. I’m exhausted. I feel like I’m at the end of my rope. How am I supposed to have faith?”

  Mama never cries, well almost never, and today that’s all she’s done. Her face is all red and splotchy. I’m getting funny feelings in my tummy again like I do on the first day of school or when I get on a roller coaster.

  “What did the bank say to you?” Gram asks softly, pulling my attention back to them.

  I remain in the corner of the room, as quiet as a mouse, so I can hear what Mama has to say. I already know it isn’t good news, because of what Mama told Daddy. I hate eavesdropping, but I’m scared.

  “They won’t even give me an extension,” Mama spits out angrily. “They don’t care about our extenuating circumstances and keep stating that even with an extension we wouldn’t make the payments on time. The income just isn’t there anymore.”

  Mama takes a deep breath and says, “They’re going to foreclose on us and we are going to lose everything.” Mama is back to pacing now, her hands moving like crazy as she talks. “I can’t even think about this right now. I just want to pull my hair out and scream. Why is the universe doing this to me? I was living a good life, a happy life, and I did everything right: all of it. This just isn’t fair,” she wails.

  I sit here and cry. I don’t want Mama to see me, but it’s getting harder. I don’t want to make her cry more because of me. I wait quietly to hear what Grams has to say, trying my best to hold my breath.

  “We need to face this head on then and make some changes,” Grams says to Mama. “Come on, you’re smart, the simple one, and you already know what needs to be done.” Grams rubs Mama on the arm and then gives her a little squeeze.

  Mama takes a deep breath and nods her head. “You’re right, Mom. I guess we’ll start selling things to pay off the smaller bills and that should keep us afloat…for now. In the meantime, I’ll look for somewhere else to live, because this isn’t working anymore.”

  She’s selling our stuff, but why? I can’t believe that Mama wants to even think about selling our stuff to keep things afloat. I also don’t understand why Mama keeps talking about floating and a boat, because we don’t have a boat. This is so confusing. It makes my head hurt.

  Grams notices me standing in the corner of the room and she rushes toward me, grabbing me into a big hug like she did with Mama previously. “Don’t worry, Cherry. These are adult things we are talking about, and you don’t need to worry your pretty little head about it.” I know Grams is trying to make me feel better, but it isn’t working.

  Grams gives me a gentle shove, hinting that it’s time to get ready for bed. I trudge up the stairs and pull on my princess nightie with Belle on the front. I dump my dirty clothes in the hamper, because I’m trying hard to be a good girl and not upset Mama like I usually do when I leave my things in the middle of the floor. I head to my bathroom, which is off my bedroom, and pull my toothbrush out of the holder, dabbing some paste on the end of it. I wonder what Mama meant about Daddy being gone? Is he leaving us? The thought is eating at me. I feel sick even thinking about it, but I know I can’t ask anyone because they just become upset. I spit in the sink, rinse, and gargle, and then spit again, baring my teeth in the mirror to make sure they are bright and shiny.

  I mope back to my bedroom and climb under my covers, leaving my bedside lamp on. Usually Mama or daddy will turn it off after they tuck me in. I wait patiently as long as I can, but my eyes are starting to get heavy. Tonight, it seems that no one is going to come and tuck me in, and that makes me really sad. Mama and Daddy are so angry at each other, and Grams is busy helping Mama. I sigh loudly and rub at my eyes, willing myself not to cry. My throat feels really tight and my breathing speeds up. No amount of willing it is going to stop me from crying. Hot tears spill onto my cheeks and my breath hitches, my chest tightening. I use my blankets to wipe at my face and roll onto my side, looking
down the hall where Mama and Daddy’s bedroom is.

  I’m tired, but I’m having a hard time trying to fall asleep because I can’t turn the thinking part of my brain off. Plus, I can also hear Mama still crying right down the hall from me, and it just makes my tummy hurt, like I’m getting sick with a bug. I have a feeling that something bad is coming, and because I’m just a kid, there isn’t any way to stop it.

  Chapter Five

  Cherry

  It should be a good day, a happy day, because the sun is shining and there isn’t a cloud in the big, blue sky, but that sick feeling is still in my tummy and it never gets better anymore. Daddy is still sick and lies in bed all day. Lately, he doesn’t even want to eat or drink anything.

  “I think it’s time, Mom.” I hear Mama tell Grams that horrible sentence. “I don’t think he’ll be with us much longer.”

  “I think you’re right dear, but at least his suffering will end.”

  I don’t know what Mama means when she says it’s time. Time for what? Why can’t anyone just talk to me? I’m a big girl. I would understand. I really need someone to hug me and tell me it’s going to be ok, but no one sees me anymore. It’s like I’m an invisible Princess and that makes me sad.

  My Daddy always gave the best hugs. His arms were so strong, and he would wrap them all the way around my body and give just the right amount of squeeze, but Daddy can’t hug me anymore. His strength has dwindled away. That’s how sick he is. I want to cry, but I don’t want Daddy to see and then feel bad for making me sad. Daddy has his own room now, with a bed just like the hospitals have. I think his room smells really funny. Mama says it’s the disease that smells bad.

  I’m snuggling with Daddy today, in his bed, before it’s time for me to go to school. I promised Mama that I would lie still and not shake the bed. If I shake the bed it upsets Daddy’s tummy and then he gets sick over and over. When that happens Mama gets angry, screaming at me to be more careful. She yells that she has to clean bums and barf at work already, and now at home. Grams constantly tells Mama that Daddy can’t help it and Mama usually cries, stating that she already knows that, but that she is at the end of her rope. I hurt for Mama and sometimes wish I were a grownup, so I could help her more. I feel like my family is falling apart.

  “Daddy, do you think we could go and feed the animals at the park like we used to? Maybe I could even play on the playground for a little while? I haven’t been to a playground in forever. Mama is always so busy that I haven’t even had a play-date with Missy. Please, Daddy?”

  I’m holding my breath, hoping he’ll say yes. Maybe he’ll even let me bring a friend.

  “Princess, Daddy isn’t strong enough to go to the park. I think it’s time for us to have a little talk.” He reaches over and rubs his hand over my hair, his eyes filling with tears. “You see, Princess,” he says clearing his throat. “Daddy is really sick.”

  “I know you’re sick, Daddy, and I wish you were better, but Mama keeps talking about you being gone and I don’t want you to leave. I want you to stay with me or take me with you. Please don’t go.” I can’t keep the tears from falling as they roll down my face. I can barely catch my breath, because my throat feels so tight with tears.

  “Princess, you can’t come where I’m going.” His words are scaring me. I cry out in denial, but he shushes me before he continues.

  “Daddy’s body is sick. When a person’s body can no longer work that means it’s almost time to go to Heaven. There, I will no longer be sick. Jesus needs some helpers, especially helpers that are good with numbers like me.” He continues rubbing my hair as I think about what he is saying. It makes me so sad that no one will talk to me, but Daddy is talking to me and he isn’t pretending like everything is ok. They treat me like I’m a stupid baby, but I’m not. I’m a big girl and even I know my daddy is dying.

  “I don’t want you to die,” I say, holding him super tight. “I’m going to miss you. You’re not even old yet.”

  “Whenever you miss me, all you need to do is think about me and know that I’m in your heart. I’ll never be far. Everyone has a time to die, Cherry. My time has come. You’re a lot like me. I need you to be strong. When I’m gone, I want you to work hard to make me proud, because I’ll always be watching you. This time…it’ll just be from afar. I love you, Princess, I always have.” Daddy is out of breath and it’s getting harder for him to talk, so I snuggle against him really tight, showing him how I feel about him.

  “I love you too, Daddy, to the moon and back.”

  I look over at Daddy, waiting for him to say something else, and see that he’s fallen asleep. I can’t help it, but I start crying harder. I just want my old Daddy and my old life back. Everything is always so sad. Why can’t it be like before? I lie down beside him and wrap my arms around him, keeping him warm while he sleeps, because he’s always cold. I just want to lie here for a few more minutes.

  I finally slip out of bed quietly so I don’t wake Daddy or make Mama angry. I tiptoe into the living room and look around, looking at all the boxes scattered everywhere. Mama has been busy packaging up anything and everything for us to sell. Our stuff is vanishing quickly and Mama is still boxing things up.

  “It just hurts to wrap these things up and sell them for half of their worth. I know they’re just things, but they represent all of our hard work, our life together. If I sell them, what will be a reminder of our life? This feels wrong.” That was what made my heart hurt when she shouted it to Grams after telling her that our money problems were getting worse.

  I know it makes her sad, because it makes me sad too.

  “I don’t know if I can keep doing this, Mom.” I keep playing that sentence over and over again in my head on repeat like it’s my favorite song. Nothing good remains.

  I feel sad for Mama because she is selling her favorite artwork, vases, and even her cuckoo clock. She always loved antiques. Mama was really upset when she wrapped her special china, because it used to belong to her Great Grams. I look around and sigh loudly. Even our piano is gone after being sold to the highest bidder. Every day it feels like a rainy day, making me sad and bitter, for Mama and for me. I miss my old life and being happy like my friends. I wonder if it will ever be like it was. For some reason I don’t think it will.

  People are starting to treat my family differently. They say nice things to my Mama’s face, like wishing and praying for better health for Daddy, but even I can tell when Mama turns her face away they don’t really mean it. Once, Mama had me run back to the cereal section to grab my oatmeal, and there were two ladies talking about us. I remember what she said clearly.

  “What a shame. That woman is going to lose everything: her husband, her home, and well… her whole life. It just goes to show that a certain class of people always prevail and the others, well…. they get what they deserve.” She was older and acted snobby. I watched her friend nod her head the whole time she was saying those things about my family, but they didn’t care. To them I was just a kid, but I’m smarter than they think.

  I can’t stop thinking about what that mean old lady said. Are we getting what we deserve? Surely this isn’t some kind of punishment. My Grams, Mama, and Daddy are good people.

  I shake my head, trying to stop thinking about everything as I walk past all the boxes and grab my backpack, which is hanging on a hook by the back door. I grab my lunch from the kitchen counter and shove it into my bag, wondering if someone is going to come meet the bus with me today. I try not to cry as I stand alone, and even give a small, half-smile to our bus driver as I walk up the steps. I sit quietly and lean my head against the window, staring at nothing on the short ride to school. Missy is home sick today and no one else really goes out of their way to talk to me. It just makes the ride longer. I shrug my shoulders, trying not to care, and step off the bus, heading into school.

  Today at school one of the girls said that her Mama doesn’t want her to play with me anymore. She says I’m dirty now that I’m poor an
d her Mama doesn’t want our bad luck to rub off on them. It hurt my feelings. My Daddy is too sick to spend time with me and Mama and Grams are too busy. Now my friends don’t want to be with me either. I’m so lonely. Why is this happening to me? Is it like those ladies in the grocery store said? Do we deserve this?

  I try to concentrate in school, but it’s really hard. I’m looking forward to recess. Maybe if I can play with some of my friends it might help put a smile on my face. I still have a few friends who play with me at school, but they aren’t allowed to come to my house anymore. When the bell rings we all run outside and sit under the big tree for some shade. We share our snacks that our moms have packed for us. It never takes us long to finish. After eating, we decide to play a game of tag, and it isn’t long before my friends have me laughing. Maybe that icky feeling in my belly will go after all.

  I’m still smiling when I see my teacher, Ms. Grange, come running out to the playground. Mr. Frank, the principal, is with her. Her head moves from side to side, looking all over until her eyes settle on me. Oh no. Even at the age of 7 I know this can’t be good. My heart is banging in my chest and my breathing gets all funny. I feel like I might be sick.

  I’m escorted to Mr. Frank’s office and put into a chair that sits in front of his desk. I kick my feet in front of me, swinging them back and forth. I know something is going on, but I’m scared to ask. No matter what it is I still need to know, so I take a deep breath, preparing myself to speak. “Am I in trouble, Mr. Frank?”

  I watch his face and wait, until he finally answers me.

  “No, dear, we are just waiting on your mom to arrive and then we’ll talk to you,” he says.